From Cute Kid in the Chair, To Nice Guy
I have Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, and I’m in my late 30’s. I’ve noticed something about relationships, and I’m sure I am not the first. For me, the way it was is very likely still the way it is for you younger guys.
Cute Kid
For me up through high school, I was popular with the ladies, and I don’t necessarily mean the ladies my age. College girls and women in their 20s and 30s liked me, and I can show you several pictures of me surrounded by girls.
It makes you think, “These older girls like me!”
Here’s what I want you to know: when you’re a teenager, older women think you’re cute, and college girls think it’s cute and funny to get in pictures with you. As you get older, though, it’s not so cute anymore since now you’re their age.
The Real You
When you’re not “the cute teenager in the wheelchair” anymore, you’re going to be treated differently than you’re used to. If you’re interested in women, they will realize it and not be as attentive as they used to be.
This does not mean that you are less of a person or that women are jerks; you’re just getting treated like a regular guy.
The first thing is to be glad that they treat you like a regular guy. We aren’t the cute kid in the wheelchair anymore, and they’re trying to be careful with us and our feelings.
The second thing is, there’s a lot to consider when it comes to an interabled relationship. Prospective dates may want to move slowly to make sure they can successfully fulfill their role in the relationship.
When I realized all this in college, I started trying to be friends with all the girls; they were all nice to me and I was nice to them. I found out many years later, however, that because I was such a nice guy to everyone, the girls didn’t think I was interested in having a serious relationship.
Live Meaningfully
So what I want to leave you guys with is to make all your relationships and friendships meaningful. This way, women will see that you aren’t “the cute kid in the wheelchair” but a great person that happens to be in a wheelchair. If they connect with that great person, when you ask them on a date there is a good chance they will say yes.
If anyone ever asks you on a date (and if you’re even remotely interested in them), you go on that date. Even if nothing happens there, other ladies will realize, “Hey, that guy is serious about relationships,” and might want to be the one who dates you.
I do have to say, always be aware of scammers. This goes for anyone, but if a stranger online seems interested, move very slowly and be suspicious. If nothing else, do a google image search. Part of living meaningfully is knowing your own worth and remembering that you aren’t desperate. I can share more about personal experiences with dating and scammers, but that’s for another article.
Reach Out
If you or anybody you know want to talk about this more or ask any questions, send me a private message.
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What Makes a Hero?
Hero?
I was once asked what I thought about calling individuals with DMD heroes and warriors just because they have a disability.
True, it’s challenging to have DMD, but every person on the Earth has a struggle of some sort, and no one understands someone else’s fight. You bemoan your fate, but if you had to live with my normal, you might handle it better than I do, and I may handle yours better than you. However, I don’t see myself as a hero or a warrior just for living my life. I’m just doing what I have to do.
Hero Negatives
Believe it or not, calling a person a hero can actually have negative effects on their self-esteem.
For example, I grew up in a small town and am pretty well known. I struggled to be “normal” most of my life until I realized there’s no such thing. When I was diagnosed with DMD, my family was told I might reach 18. I wouldn’t accept that. I lived my life as though by 18, I wouldn’t have muscular dystrophy. As a 39-year-old with DMD, you can guess how well that went. I just wanted to live a productive life. I hated it when someone said, “If Ryan can deal with what he does and never complain or feel sad, I know, I can’t complain,” or “I can handle anything.”
As unintentional as it is, the “hero” label can actually complicate matters as adolescents and young adults with Duchenne grapple with their own self-identity, particularly when they already have so much to bear. But those details are for another article.
Even as an older adult, it isn’t easy. There are days I feel sad and don’t want to do anything. I’ve often cursed DMD and didn’t want it. But then there were so many people that I felt I would disappoint or relied on me to be strong that I couldn’t express my feelings. I finally learned to do it and found it was beneficial, and it also helped others to see that Ryan has hard times, too.
Facilitating a Hero
My uncle was highly decorated in the military and, by all rights, was a hero for the gallant deeds he did. He would never say he was a hero. He just did what he had to do.
I’m not saying people with disabilities are not warriors and heroes, but most people don’t want to be called a hero just for being alive.
For example, I don’t want to be known as Ryan Russell, the guy in the wheelchair. I want to be known as Ryan Russell, the Dr. of psychology, the Eagle Scout, the author of Rectify the Avenging Angel, or the most important to me, a son who took care of his parents in their last days.
So when you tell your loved one or friend they are a hero, make sure they know they are a hero for something besides having a disability.
By Dr. Ryan J. Russell
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